Naked

Writing a blog feels a little like being naked. Naked is great when you are alone in your house. Naked is great when you are with someone who you trust. Naked is not so good when you don't know who is taking it all in. 

I don't know how other people feel about writing but for me it is like opening the door to get the paper in the morning with no shirt on. It reveals parts of me that I don't feel that comfortable sharing but people who see it will probably find it interesting to look at. You feel the most vulnerable when it is someone you know who is doing the "seeing". I can handle it if total strangers are learning who I am, not so much when it's people who I know. 

Last night, someone who I really respect told me that they had read this blog and knew about my plans to write a book. It kind of made me want to run away and hide. What did they think of it? Of me? Did it confirm the thoughts they had about me? Did I want their thoughts confirmed? What are their thoughts?

I am not writing this book, or this blog to get anyone's approval. I am writing because it is my dream to help women like me who need to start over and just don't know how. The difficult side effect is how exposed my life, my struggles and the way I think are to the outside world. It's not a bad thing, but I would be lying if I said I was totally okay with the feeling. And now you all know...

Inspiration

I didn't set out to be an inspiration to anyone. If anything, most of the changes that I have made in my life have felt more like a struggle to keep my head above water. It never occurred to me that I was doing anything special. It was only when I realized how utterly paralysed people get in their lives that it dawned on me that I had a really good handle on how to deal with change. It isn't that I am superhuman or able to do things that others can't. It's because I have a simple set of rules that help me move forward. 

Learning how to throw caution to the wind and jumping at opportunities that may or may not work out is something that took me a while to get good at. I have learned to tell myself that the worst that can happen is that it won't work. I send out emails to people that I don't know, I apply for jobs that may or may not be a right, I force myself into situations that will stretch my comfort level. I have accepted the fact that the worst thing that can happen is nothing. The odds are that if I try ten things, at least one will work out for me. 

I had no confidence in my abilities when I adopted this attitude. I felt like a total impostor in everything that I was doing- but I pushed myself anyway. The more I tried, the more I achieved. The more I achieved, the more I believed that I actually could. Eventually, my experience level caught up to the things that I was doing and I no longer felt like someone would find out that I knew nothing. 

All that to say that when people learn about my life and the hurdles that I have overcome, it often makes them feel like they can do it too. When I hear that I have inspired someone to take a leap and make a change, it makes me feel like everything I have gone through is worth it.